Baby Maybe?

Birth stories are trending. I’ve been reading a lot of them lately and it is so fun. They are all so different. The good, the bad, the joy, the fear, trials, triumphs, and both kinds of heartbreaks. It is inspiring how women are opening up and sharing their experiences, especially when it might be painful. It is also so cool to read and be able to relate when you think you’re the only one in the world who experienced something or are feeling a certain way.

So here’s mine! I could say it seems not as powerful as other stories that I’ve read but in reality I am so grateful for how low key it is. What a blessing to not have to face so many of the trials that are out there. What a blessing to be safe and healthy.

I first brought up a baby in spring 2016. Connor and I were headed to Newberg for the day to check out some open houses. I knew all day that I wanted to talk about it but I decided to wait until our drive back home to bring it up in case it sparked an argument. I didn’t want it to spoil the day! The clock kept ticking and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t know why it was so hard but I think I was just afraid of what his response would be. I didn’t want my feelings to be shut down. Well with about 10 minutes left of our drive I told him I was thinking about babies and that I kind of wanted one…

Gals, if you’re in this position right now, just rip the band aid off! Your husband might just surprise you.

The gist of his response was that we shouldn’t have a baby right now but it excited him that I was thinking about it. He was right though. We were waiting to hear back about whether he got a new job, which meant we would be moving, which meant I’d be looking for a new job too. There was too much unknown at the time and we needed to get some things figured out first.

8 or 9 months went by and we moved and both had our new jobs. It felt like every day I was getting on Instagram and seeing that someone else was pregnant. I couldn’t shake the desire. I held in my feelings for another couple months and finally built up the courage to bring it up again. Yes…I needed courage. It was not any easier bringing it up the second time than it was the first. It is a big conversation! My thinking was that we were settled, we have jobs, it’s a good time. Connor’s response: “I’m not quite there but I’m a 7/10. What are you at? I was at a 9. The only thing holding me back was my other half. That’s important! We left the conversation deciding we’d check in once a month, reevaluate, and go from there.

A couple weeks later, Connor went on a getaway with some college guys. He came home and everything was normal. Then we went to Home Depot to get some things for the house. As we were walking to the car, Connor told me he had something to tell me. “I’m a 10!” he said.

A couple months later I felt like I was pregnant. There weren’t really any signs. I wasn’t sick or nauseous. My cycle has never been normal so that didn’t give me any information. I just felt like I was or maybe I just REALLY wanted to be! I took two tests over the course of a week. They were negative. Gosh, did that feel like a punch in the gut to anyone else? I tried to go about my days as usual but I couldn’t forget about it. I started researching how to get the most accurate home test results. I read that it helps to take the test first thing in the morning for science reasons that I don’t feel like looking up again! A week went by and I tried again.


Pop the champagne!

I mean apple cider…